Whether you have kids or not, the fact is that once you hit 30, you’re going to start getting invited to kids birthday parties. These are social events that do not follow the rules you usually bear in mind when heading out. Looking trendy, hipster or sexy is certainly not what you need to aim for, and your bestie mom is going to be way too stressed out dealing with damage control to pay any attention to you. So forget about sipping cosmos and gossiping: Her priority is avoiding anything that might upset her littlest loved one on their birthday. And if we are honest here, there is A LOT that can go wrong. Any amount of unpredictable happenings can turn a bouncing beauty into a hysterical, snotty, howling mess. If this happens, that bestie of yours will be looking at an afternoon of feeling like a failure as a mother. Sounds like fun, right?
Luckily for me, I love kids. I find it so refreshing and relaxing to spend time hanging out with them and their brutal honesty. At kids parties, you will usually find me sitting on the floor in the corner playing with the blocks. IMHO, this is the most enjoyable way to spend such a festivity. But like I said, there’s also a lot that can go wrong — especially when it comes to wardrobe choices. So I’ve gathered up a few tips to help you survive the juvenile event!
1. NO DANGLING EARRINGS (OUCH)
I don’t want to have to spell this one out because it’s just too painful to think about, but chances are someone will hand you a baby at some stage and dangling earrings are very attractive to little hands!
2. DON’T WEAR ANYTHING WHITE OR EXPENSIVE
There will be cake, and children will be eating cake in a highly inefficient manner. There are not enough mother hands to clean all those chocolatey faces before the little darlings decide to hug your leg!
3. NO POINTED OR PEEP-TOE SHOES
There will be running around, and lots of general tom-foolery, and someone will stomp on your toe. So just do yourself a favor and wear comfy shoes. With so many cute kids around, no one is going to notice what you have on your feet anyway.
4. LEAVE YOUR HIGH HEELS AT HOME
You really don’t want to go home with the guilt of breaking cute little baby fingers on your conscience. It is impossible to predict where crawling babies are at any particular time (they move faster than you would think) and while no one will admit it, every mother has almost stepped on a crawling child.
5. PENCIL SKIRTS ARE A NO-GO
I love pencil skirts; they feel great to wear and make you wiggle when you walk. However, they’re not so great for sitting on the floor or crawling after toy cars!
6. MIGHT AS WELL AVOID ANYTHING TIGHT FITTING AT ALL
You know you’re going to keep yourself entertained by eating every cute cake pop in sight, so enjoy it and don’t make yourself uncomfortable while doing so! Leave the shapewear at home, and forget the word carb for one day.
7. DRESS LIKE A PRINCESS
Considering we’ve ruled out fancy shoes and kids don’t know or care about shapewear, use this opportunity to wear a dress you would have doubts about on your usual night out. You can be the Marilyn or the Audrey for the next generation; they will look up to you in awe and remember you forever.
8. COVER UP THE PUPPIES
Babies have a different relationship with boobs than anyone else on the planet, so if you’re going to put the cleavage on display, expect to get some attention in a way you are not used to. If you don’t keep an eye on them, they’ll go straight for the nipple grab. My son likes to hide his little cars in my cleavage. I guess it’s a safe place for them?
9. KEEP YOUR HAIR OUT OF REACH
Unless you want your hair pulled for the entire duration of the party, go for an up-do. Keep your locks out of harm’s way and you might manage to get home without bald patches.
Personally, I love kids parties, so I guess I’m writing this for those of you who don’t. With a bit of planning, you can have an enjoyable, comfortable festivity, expand your horizons, and crawl around on the carpet pretending to be a dinosaur. Then you can go home, put your feet up and have a well-deserved glass of wine.
First published on Bustle Feb 2015
Images: Giphy; Victory Parade; Flickr/TVZ Design